Shark Week, enough said

Exposition: I was first really introduced to Shark Week freshman year. Of course, I’d heard of it (who hasn’t), but no one in my household at home really thought it was a big deal, so I didn’t really think it was a big deal (a. sharks are terrifying b. it might give me nightmares c. who wants to see what’s inside of a shark belly? d. I had better things to do with my time) My roommate freshman year, however, thought it was a big deal. Now she isn’t the typical shark-hunter, action-loving person, quite the opposite in fact, so I was rather confused as to why she loved it. This is when I realized that Shark Week doesn’t have a demographic. Everyone loves Shark Week. Every age, every race, male or female, prep or punk. It transcends the typical. And I just couldn’t figure out why. So for three years I would get the hint from everyone’s Facebook status, SHARK WEEK! and just roll my eyes and keep clicking past the Discovery Channel.

Rising Action: I’m sitting in my living room last night with my roomies J and K, the bf and K’s bf. We’re all happily talking and watching K and her bf play Super Mario Bros. when they decide to switch to t.v. It was bound to happen. Click. Click. Click. “SHARK WEEK!” The boys scream in unison. And of course, I roll my eyes and start going off about how much I hate Shark Week and don’t understand the big deal. As I’m saying this, a woman is cutting open a shark’s belly and pulling out everything inside with her bare hands. Case. in. point. 

“Next on Shark Week, Shark Attack Survival Guide.”

Okay, that caught my attention. Remember a. b. c. and d.? Well this particular show on Shark Week defied my reasons for banning it. (Yes, it might make me even more terrified, but at least now if I’m ever in a situation I will know what to do, and no I didn’t have anything better to do.) Thus, I became wholeheartedly engrossed in what to do if I’m attacked by a shark.

(Keep in mind these tips may be a little misconstrued due to the fact that K was distracting everyone by making them watch ridiculous, but hilarious Dora/Maraka videos)

1. Don’t panic. (Pretty basic, but still can’t make any promises that it’s going to happen)

2. If your fishing boat in the middle of the ocean blows up for no reason, jump out into the shark-infested waters. (Honestly, I don’t know if I would choose blowing up or being eaten by sharks)

3. Grab a weapon (I swear that’s what they said and I was very confused as to where I was supposed to get this weapon seeing as my boat just blew up and I’m doggy-paddling in the middle of the ocean)

4. Use your water bottle to look deeper into the ocean to see how many sharks surround you (Again, I think I should have paid more attention on this one because I was confused, but honestly, do I really want to know how many sharks are down there?)

5. Don’t make any odd sounds. It attracts the sharks. (Does my boat blowing up and me screaming count as an odd sound?)

6. Do not attempt to grab a shark. (PHEW, good thing you told me that DC, because that’s definitely my first reaction)

7. Punch or claw its gills or eyes out. (Alright. If he doesn’t eat my hand , I’ll definitely try that one)

8. If all else fails, get on the Discovery Channel rescue vessel waiting for you on the side. (I don’t think this needs any commentary)

How to save someone who has been bitten by a shark

Stop the bleeding, apply direct pressure, take off your shirt (even if you’re a girl, that’s what he said and you want to save your friend right?!) and use it to make a tourniquet (you can click, I didn’t know what it was either).

Random fact on the bottom of the screen: The average adult male can die with only 20% loss of blood. 

And then, when he appears to be semi-okay, even though he’s pale and shaking on the beach and blood is gushing everywhere, and your tourniquet sucks, tell him, “Hey dude, you’re not gonna die today. I got it.” And whisk him away in the Discovery Channel helicopter to a hospital.

Conclusion: Shark Week may be OK and I should probably start watching the survival tips more often. Now I’m really starting to rethink the decision to go to bed before seeing “what to do if you’re locked in a cage underwater with a shark.”