Warning: Extreme Introspection Lies Ahead
Today I am: self-reflective.
I’m not one to sit and analyze things, specifically myself and the way I think or the way I do things and why. But for some reason, Vegas, of all places, has gotten me looking from the outside in.
I’ve always had an inferiority complex about who I was. I’ve never felt like I could be characterized by a word or phrase, yet I could point to anyone in my life and tell you who they are. Whether it’s a personality trait, a career or a hobby, everyone has something that most people define them by.
Who am I?
Am I a Disney-crazed 20-year-old?
Am I the “nice” girl? (As great as that sounds, I’ve come to truly despise that as being a defining characteristic.)
Am I the fashion-conscious?
Am I the one with all the celebrity gossip?
The journalist? The wannabe actress? The traveler? The pretty girl?
As I was thinking about all of these things that people might describe me as, I realized that I don’t want to be defined by any of those “shallow” things. If that’s who people think I am, they don’t really know me. This is when I realized two things:
1. I define people in shallow terms.
2. The only possible thing that I could be described as that truly fits what I want to be known for is faithful, loving Christian.
Though I do describe people in shallow terms such as the funny guy, the sports-aholic, really into politics, the dancer, etc. I know that is not the extent of that person’s personality, but from the outside that’s what defines them. I just want one word that people define me as externally, as ridiculous as that sounds.
As I pondered this for a few days, I was reminded that my identity truly lies in Christ. It doesn’t matter that I don’t know who I am or what I want to do, because He does. Even if I don’t have that one shallow word or phrase that everyone else does, I at least want my light to be shining so brightly for Him that people know whose I am.
I am a planner. Every night before I go to bed I plan my next day in as much detail as I can. I make to-do-lists like they’re going out of style. I put something in my planner as soon as I hear about it. It literally makes me nervous to not know how my day/evening/weekend is going to look.
I’m marrying an improviser, and I think I’m planning my life away.
The biggest obstacle in my life lately is that I feel like I don’t have time for the people in my life. Unless I have a class with you or work with you, I pretty much have to “pencil you in.” Sadly, this is even true about the people I live with a lot of the time.
I feel like I’m becoming the person I never wanted to be. The person that puts work over people. The person that has to check her schedule 5 times to see if she has time to go see a movie.
I want to be free and spontaneous and an improvisor. I want to be able to just go on a walk, or talk on the phone to someone who needs me, or go to lunch, or just spend time with someone. I don’t want people to assume I’m busy so they don’t even ask if I want to do something. I want to be able to have a bad day and just relax and eat and cry or whatever I want to do rather than finishing everything on my to-do list.
If you know how to do this, please contact me.
This blog is dedicated to those people I love who I rarely spend time with. I hope you know how much I care about you.