everyday inspiration

Life, it’s hard.

You want real? Here’s real: I’m not okay.

This situation has been more difficult than I could have ever imagined, and I’m tired of telling everyone I’m doing fine. I mean, I am doing fine, but I’m also not doing fine. Do you understand? If you do, please let me in, because I don’t understand. My thoughts, feelings, tears, emotions have been so scattered the past few weeks I honestly don’t know what I’m feeling. So often I feel numb – numb to the pain, numb to the world then all of a sudden I’m the opposite of numb (sensitive?) and I can feel everything all at once. All emotions come rushing to me. The tears don’t stop. The memories don’t stop. I can’t do anything.

I went back to work at the beginning of the week. I was so anxious about starting back, but it’s really been pretty good. I’ve enjoyed getting back into work and into a semi-normal routine. Everyone has been great, but someone shared a piece of advice that has stuck with me – Don’t just throw yourself into work. It will only elongate the healing process.

I’m honestly at a point right now where I can’t even imagine not feeling sad. I know it will happen, but it seems like such a foreign concept. When will I ever not be sad that I don’t get to see or talk to my dad again? When will that ever seem normal?

But life goes on. It’s amazing that it does, when everything around you seems to be crumbling and changing. But if I had any doubt in my mind, I look at Facebook or Instagram and it definitely goes on.

I love you all, and I don’t want you to read this and pity me. I just needed an outlet to be real. To be raw. If anything, just pray for me. If there’s been anything that’s given me peace and hope and strength through all of this, it’s been my faith. I honestly don’t know how people do it who don’t believe in our Lord Jesus Christ.

To end, I want to share with you my devotional from today. I pray it gives you hope in your life and your situation as it did for me today.

My face is shining upon you, beaming out peace that transcends understanding. You are surrounded by a sea of problems, but you are face-to-face with Me, your Peace. As long as you focus on Me, you are safe. If you gaze too long at the myriad of problems around you, you will sink under the weight of your burdens. When you start to sink, simply call out, “Help me, Jesus!” and I will lift you up.

The closer you live to Me, the safer you are. Circumstances around you are undulating, and there are treacherous-looking waves in the distance. Fix your eyes on Me, the One  who never changes. By the time those waves reach you, they will have shrunk to proportions of My design. I am always beside you, helping you face today’s waves. The future is a phantom, seeking to spook you. Laugh at the future! Stay close to me.

xo xo


4 responses

  1. Gede Prama

    thank you, the article and the true happiness rays began to warm hearts, when we share it with sincerity. Greetings from Gede Prama 🙂

    January 15, 2014 at 9:27 pm

  2. Brooke Smith

    Mille, thank you for your transparency and the beauty of this post. I, along with so many, can not imagine what you must be feeling. I do find so much hope in the fact that you are finding strength in the only one who can possibly strengthen you right now. Just this week I studied Peter’s story of his encounter of Jesus when he was walking on the water, the story I’m certain the passage above is based on. I had always thought this story was about the miracle of Jesus walking on water. “How cool! Jesus can walk on water! How does that work?” But this week I realized… God revealed… that the story isn’t necessarily about the miracle. The story is about the love and care and the discipline that he gave Peter. Peter was so excited and adventurous stepping out to the waves with such huge faith. Then the winds started up and Peter started panicking. Just when my life is going according to my plan and I am looking straight in Jesus’ eyes, holding his hand, loving every moment of my life, the wind picks up. The unpredictable, uncontrollable wind. At that moment Peter starts sinking. But here’s where I’m so moved by this story. Jesus does not let him sink. There is no “near-drowning” story to teach Peter a lesson. Peter calls out for Jesus. (My teaching leader said that faith knows who to call on in times of greatest need. I liked that point.) Peter didn’t try to figure out how he would save himself. He called on Jesus for help. Immediately Jesus reached out for him. There are so many mistakes I’ve made, so many heartbreaks that I’ve endured, and there will be so many more I know. I fail. A lot. I doubt. A lot. And every single solitary time Jesus is there. Hand outstretched, waiting on me to reach for him. His grace is not just sufficient. It’s everything. The last note of our Bible study this week was this: “Seeing Jesus for who He is removes fear and stabilizes your life.” I can’t help but feel like this truth needs to be poured over you. I will pray it for you. You are so strong and I’m so proud of you. I know your dad is too. Much love…

    January 17, 2014 at 1:53 am

  3. Pingback: I’m doing okay. |

  4. Pingback: 3 years later | m.davis xoxo

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