“I’ll stand before the lord of song with nothing on my tongue but hallelujah”

I’ve had the urge to write lately. The urge, but not time. Or the urge, but nothing to say. Such is the life of a writer. The thoughts that follow may make no sense at all, or they may be perfect as a poem. Again, such is the life of a writer.

Life has been hard lately. I mean, it hasn’t exactly been easy the past month and a half, but the past few weeks have been a different kind of hard.

I assume I’m going through the 5 stages of grief: 1. Denial and Isolation 2. Anger 3. Bargaining 4. Depression 5. Acceptance, but definitely not in order. Over the past two weeks, I’ve been going through 1, 2 and 4 practically on a daily basis. I hadn’t really experienced anger until now. It’s odd, being so angry even though there’s nothing you can do. No one to be angry at. I’m not an angry person, but boy have I been angry, and it’s made me just more irritable in general. I come home and I’m just in a bad mood and there’s nothing I can do to get out of it.

But mostly, I’ve felt depression. I could completely understand how someone could fall into a serious depression after the loss of someone. There have been several days when all I want to do is sleep. I don’t want to go anywhere or see anyone. I just feel like I can’t move or think, so I don’t want to. Like I physically cannot move my body. But I get up. I push myself out of bed to go to work or whatever, but I’ve been wanting to less and less than usual.

I’ve been busy. Very busy at work. Maybe too busy? I’m not sure how busy I should really be. There have been days when I’m so overwhelmed at work, then I’m so overwhelmed at home with my thoughts and emotions. There’s no escape. I need to seek more balance.

You know how sometimes a song comes on the radio and it’s just absolutely perfect for the mood you’re in? This happened the other day with the song below. I couldn’t tell you why, but it calmed me and provided me with a sense of connection. I don’t even really know what the song is about, but it’s just so beautiful.

I don’t want to end on a somber note, so I’ll close this out with a few other thoughts that have been occupying my mind, unrelated to the above.

• House of Cards season premiere … OH MY GOSH. There are no words.
• Please please don’t make us go back into winter. These 50 and 60 degree temps have been heavenly.
• Beyonce’s new album still rules. #flawless
• When you pay more for a bottle of nice wine, it’s totally worth it.
• Valentine’s Day may be cheesy and commercial, but I love the opportunity to celebrate my husband like I should every day.
• If you hadn’t heard yet, my new car’s name is Sofie.
• I need a vacation. A hot, beach vacation. Stat.
• Can I also get a tan and a margarita with that ^^ please?

xo xo