I Think I Could Survive in Prison — and Other Things I’ve Learned From “Orange Is The New Black”

We’ve officially caught up with the rest of the population and become OITNB fans. I actually think we did it the right way. We binged on the first season right when the second one came out, so we didn’t have to wait a year to see the fallout from the finale. We are SO CLOSE to finishing the second season I can hardly stand it.

I was skeptical at first, why would I want to watch a show about women in prison? Well if you’re still one of the ones asking, let me tell you why – it puts a whole new perspective on the prison system and the people in prison. Not just numbers in an orange jumpsuit, but faces and names and backstories. It shows you they’re real people who make mistakes, just like you and me.

Yes, just like you and me, who could go to prison, and if you do, remember these tips …

1. Never insult the cooking. Ever. Lesson learned day 1.

2. Make friends with everyone – the guards, the fast-talking hispanics, the born-again/crazy-again Christian, the one with crazy eyes, the ex-girlfriend  – wait, don’t do that one. And if you do befriend the crazy eyes, just be prepared, dandelion.

3. If you have your choice in jobs, choose the library.

4. Take showers 30 seconds or less … you never know what might come out of the drain.

5. Speaking of the bathroom – get up EARLY to do your business. The bathrooms with the doors are the first to go.

6. Don’t assume anything of anyone, good or bad. You don’t know their story and what they’ve been through to get where they are.

7. Find out what everyone’s vices are. You will have to bribe, and if you have someone’s favorite candy, makeup or *cough*contraband*cough* it will come in handy.

8. Don’t say anything on the phone that can get you in trouble.

9. Inappropriate things happen in the chapel. Just stay out if not for a service.

10. One person can change the course of everything. Remember #2.

11. If you’re engaged when you go in, tell your fiance you will most likely {at least} kiss a girl in prison, so don’t get too riled up over it. When in Rome.

12. And lastly, very importantl, send in a check for commissary items WEEKS in advance. Otherwise you’ll be making shower shoes out of maxipads.

xo xo
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