M. Davis Diary Entry [June 20, 2015]

Sometimes your heart knows something before your head does.

It tugs and pleads and tries to give you all these clues that something is going on up in that head of yours, but you just don’t realize it yet. You think your heart is crazy and your emotions are going wild for no reason at all. There is no logical reason you should be crying this much at the Gilmore Girls finale you’ve seen 10 times before.

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. And as much as I want to think it isn’t affecting me, it is.

This will be the second Father’s Day since my dad passed away. And this one seems harder than the first. Is that weird?

It’s just a made-up day. WHO CARES. Why would I feel any differently on this day than any other day?

Let me tell you when I hate social media – on Father’s Day. It is SO hard seeing everyone post pictures of their dads – throwbacks from when they were little, pics with dad at brunch, pics wishing dad a Happy Father’s Day from afar. It’s just hard to see. And I don’t blame you for posting it. I would be doing the same thing.

This week has been rough. Not for any particular reason, so I thought. I haven’t been sleeping well at night. I’ve been extra tearful. I’ve felt empty and moody and blah. My heart was trying to tell me something that my head hadn’t caught onto yet. I needed to face this. Think about it. WRITE about it, as is my catharsis. I want you guys to know it’s still hard. I want those of you who are also going through this to know I can empathize with you. I really can. It sucks. It really sucks.

Life is just hard. And I know everyone has told us this our whole lives, but there are moments when you really understand that. When something big is going on inside me, I get easily overwhelmed by the little things. Ask husband. I went on a tearful rant today about how it is just too hard to eat healthy, and to stay on an exercise routine, and to save money, and to not be greedy, and to pray more, and to keep the house clean, and to drink less, and to love more. [seriously, it was just like that.] I can’t do it all. And it all seems insurmountable in times like these.

Tomorrow, husband and I are going hiking around the Buffalo River. I’m not going to look at Facebook or Instagram and feel sorry for myself that I don’t have a picture to post. I’m going to focus on the natural beauty that surrounds us. I’m going to pray and reconnect my soul with what it needs. I’m going to soak up the sun, take time to notice the flowers and just breathe.

xo xo