Seasons of Life, Seasons of Love

I’ve literally been wanting to write this post for weeks and just haven’t brought myself to do it. I’ve been nervous. I’ve been nervous about being honest and transparent. I’m not sure why, since I’ve done it multiple times before on this blog – “real talk” – as I like to say, but for some reason I was nervous for this one. Blogging is therapy for me, and I think I’ve just been afraid to let it out. As I’ve heard from some of you, you can relate to my ramblings and appreciate hearing the raw emotion and honesty, so here goes.

The holidays are hard. I mean, they’re always hard – busy at work, busy at home, shopping, decorating, Christmas party-ing, baking – it often just seems never-ending and can be very overwhelming. But this year, it’s even harder, so much harder, because it’s my first holidays without my dad.

First I do want to acknowledge how thankful I am. I’m thankful that I have such great memories of last year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas with my dad. We were living in my parents house at the time, so we got a lot of extra time with him and my mom. One night in particular stands out – the four of us were sitting on the couch the night after Thanksgiving watching Garth Brooks Live from Las Vegas. It was extra special because I’d gotten to meet Garth a month earlier and adored him. We can rarely find something we all want to watch on TV and this was just one of those special moments. We all sat there for 2 hours watching, singing, laughing.

I’m thankful for my mom and for my husband, who have been my rocks this year. I am beyond thankful to have them both in my life and probably don’t tell them enough how much they mean to me.

And I’m so thankful for all the rest of you who have played a huge part in my life this year – my family and friends near and far sharing words of encouragement through texts or over lunches, my beloved community group, my incredible work family, my best friend who is always there to just listen, and of course my puppy who will cuddle away the tears, whether I ask for it or not.

But it’s still hard. It’s so much harder than you could ever imagine. There have been so many times this year I’ve just wanted my dad to be here for the little things (like telling him about eating the best seafood in gulf shores) or the big things (like buying my first car and our first home). He’s missing out on so much, and I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he will miss out on so much more.

I’m struggling. I’m struggling to move on, especially during a time that has such a big focus on family. I’m struggling to see the bright side and all the many things I have right here, instead of focusing on the one I don’t have.

I’m fragile and I’m broken and I can’t do it alone. I have to admit that to myself, my family and friends, and most importantly to God.

This week, I was reminded of a song that I love – Seasons of Love from Rent. I hear the lyrics and think, How do I want to measure this year? In tears? In strife? Or in love?

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand moments, oh dear
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, measure a year?

In daylights, in sunsets
In midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure, a year in the life?

How about love?
How about love?
How about love?
Measure in love

Seasons of love
Seasons of love

Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
Five hundred twenty five thousand journeys to plan
Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes
How do you measure the life of a woman or a man?

In truths that she learned
Or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned or the way that she died

It’s time now, to sing out
Though the story never ends
Let’s celebrate
Remember a year in the life of friends

Remember the love
(Oh, you got to, you got to remember the love)
Remember the love
(You know that love is a gift from up above)
Remember the love
(Share love, give love, spread love)
Measure in love
(Measure, measure your life in love)

Seasons of love
Seasons of love
(Measure your life, measure your life in love)

xo xo